Now, where did I leave that?

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Blessed Beltaine!

Wishing all who celebrate today a most blessed Beltaine. Interestingly, there's a blogger I follow who says that according to 'archeoastronomy' Beltaine isn't until May 4th. Not at all familiar with that calendar, but am intrigued. I believe Samhain falls differently as well on that calendar.

I think one of my greatest sources of self-induced frustration is that I've gotten far too lazy about celebrating the points on the Wheel. There was a time I wouldn't have worked today; I'd have spent it in day-long ritual and celebration. When did the rest of my life overwhelm my spiritual practice, and why is it seemingly impossible to reclaim my spiritual life? Back in 2006, the Goddess & I had a real falling out. I felt she'd called me to a specific path and I'd served with joy and passion, turned pretty ugly. Service became abuse, trust was shattered; I felt hurt and betrayed by the Goddess who'd led me there, and when I walked away from that path, I turned my back on Her, too.

Fast forward, and we've reconciled. There's a purpose for all things, even if we don't always discover it. One day She pointed out that I was the one who left; She had never turned Her back on me. We're on speaking terms again, and I truly believe She led me to the woolly life that has been salvation and balm to my soul (even if I'm not very good at it). I remember to give thanks pretty frequently, often falling asleep in the midst of a gratitude litany, but I let the Wheel turn and turn without more than a nod to the holy days. Oddly enough, Beltaine was my favorite day of the year when I was as young as 9 or 10...before anyone ever whispered the word 'goddess' to me, and it's so often been a day of revelling in joy and beauty. But last night and this morning it's just a murmuring in the background. How do I get it back? How do I again mark my year by the glorious spokes of the Wheel? How do I lose the faltering self-consciousness that hangs over my sad ritual attempts these days?

On an absolutely unrelated (except in my head) note: today workshop registration opens for the NYS Sheep and Wool Festival in October! I've just registered for "Nuno Felted Scarf with Swarovski Crystal Embellishment". I haven't done nuno felting yet, and while I don't necessarily see Swarovski crystals in my future, I do want to explore the use of beads in felting. I'm also sorely tempted to do the all day class in Natural Dyeing, but not committing just yet. The workshops are so well done, and the festival's organization is smooth and welcoming. If you're interested, check out the 2012 schedule!

Wishing you all the joy and beauty of creation and promise today...


AkasaWolfSong said...

Ahh Dear Spirit Sister...don't beat yourself up over moving away from long held beliefs...we all do it at one time or another. What a feel emanating from you is the fact that you have moved toward it, embracing it once again. As for celebrating holy days, it will come when it comes...I don't always celebrate every holy day...or should I say in the way others do? I celebrate in my own way in my own time the older I get and hold the memories of older times close to the heart's song.
It settles in the bones and psyche just where we need it Love.
That is all that matters in my humble opinion.
Happy Beltane to You and Yours!

Robin Larkspur said...

Rather heavy subject to tackle in a comment box!! I feel your sadness though, and do want to say that I have on a few occasions felt the same way, that my commitment to the Goddess, and the accompanying rituals and daily practice has been less than stellar. I think it is important to forgive yourself, and forget the past separation, and to move on by trying to incorporate your Path into daily life. Bit by bit I think you will find your way. Perhaps read some new books on the subject, talk to other pagans, and just BE in the moment. There is lots and lots more I would like to say, but, again, a small box. I truly understand. Just Begin Again, is the nutshell answer.

Robin Larkspur said...

Oh, and I forgot to say I think it is terrific that you are planning ahead and signing up for the workshops at the wool festival. Sounds like something right up your alley. I agree with you about the Swarovski crystals, but there are so many other great beads (wood, etc). At the moment, October seems very far away, but it will be here quickly!

Michaele said...

I would love to comment but an not familiar with this. I better go do some research. Thanks for sharing though. I am sure I have done much the same.

Ashling said...

@Akasa & Robin..thank you for your thoughts and input. I think you're both right and it's just trusting & diving in (and not making excuses!). @Michaele--thanks so much for 'stopping in'; I know tyour plate is very full!

Anonymous said...

I think we shouild follow our heart and we all don't worship or show our beliefs in the same ways at the same time, you must do what you feel is for you to do at the time, this is your journey.
Wondeful workshops, and I agree October is but a blink away! Take care, don't be sad,

A Quiet Corner said...

Those workshops sound awesome...and YOU must be so talented to sign up for them! Trying new things is always rewarding !!...:)JP